Giant Robot
08-24-2005, 01:05 AM
The Martz Plays
An imitation of Jarry?s The Ubu Plays by Giant Robot
Characters
Mike Martz: would-be coach of the St. Louis Rams
Ma Martz: wife of would-be coach of the St. Louis Rams
Burt Warner: QB for the St. Louis Rams
Major Faulk: RB for the St. Louis Rams
Alabama Fontierri: Owner of the St. Louis Rams
Rich Vermeil: Head Coach of the St. Louis Rams
Bill Belichick: Head Coach of the New England Patriots
Scene 1: The night after the Super Bowl, at the Martz residence
Mike Martz: I?m home! Prepare to greet the Offensive Coordinator of the Super Bowl Champion St Louis Rams!
Ma Martz: Welcome home Mike, how was the game?
Mike Martz: How was the game? You mean you didn?t watch it?
Ma Martz: I watched it, but why pay attention if your husband is only offensive coordinator? Doesn?t quite have the ring that head Coach does, you know?
Mike Martz: Shit, woman! I?m a Super Bowl champion! Show me some respect!
Ma Martz: You?d be due more respect if you were the head coach.
Mike Martz: I?ll repeat it for you? I AM A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION! KNEEL BEFORE MY INFINITE INTELLIGENCE AND WISDOM!
Ma Martz: Mike, both you and I know that you are the smartest, most handsome man alive, but why should Vermeil get all the credit when we both know you are the architect of ?The Greatest Show on Turf?? I mean seriously, did you see him last night? Crying and carrying on like he had achieved something he worked his whole life for. I can?t see what Alabama sees in him.
Mike Martz: What are you suggesting, woman?
Ma Martz: Only that you would be a better coach that that cry-baby.
Mike Martz: That cry-baby got me a Super Bowl ring.
Ma Martz: You?d make a better head coach than him. I mean, what has he ever accomplished? A Super Bowl is nothing compared to being the smartest, most handsome man in the world. And it is only fair that the smartest, most handsome man in the world get credit for being the greatest coach that ever lived?
Mike Martz: I see your point, woman. Let?s see if I can enlist Burt Warner, our MVP quarterback, and together, we can convince Alabama to force that old fool out the door, and then she can name me Head Coach. Meanwhile, make me a sandwich.
Ma Martz: Make your own sandwich; I only cook for head coaches.
End Scene 1
Scene 2: Mike Martz and Burt Warner meet with Alabama Fontierri, who owns the St. Louis Rams. They see Rich Vermeil on the way in.
Rich Vermeil: Why hello Mike, hello Burt, how are you both doing today? Who?s that grey haired gentleman with you two?
Mike Martz (Aloud): That?s Burt?s wife, coach. (Aside): Better than you will be doing in a few minutes.
Burt Warner: God bless you. I?m doing fine coach, how are you today?
Rich Vermeil: Just fine, my boy. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I have a Super Bowl ring on my finger. I think I am going to cry.
Secretary: Alabama will see you now, Mr. Martz and Mr. Warner.
Burt Warner (to secretary): God bless you. (To Martz) Lead the way, Mike.
Alabama: Gentleman, do come in! What can I do for you boys today? Who is that old man with you? He looks like a drunken sailor.
Mike Martz: That?s Burt?s wife.
Burt Warner: God bless you, Alabama.
Mike Martz: Woman, I demand that you fire Coach Vermeil! He?s a crybaby, and God hates crybabies! I heard someone saying the other day that they thought because you employed a crybaby; you too, must be a crybaby.
Alabama: That?s preposterous! You want me to fire Coach Vermeil? He gave you a shot in the NFL, did he not?
Mike Martz: I?m so smart; I would have gotten a job sooner or later.
Alabama: But Coach Vermeil won a Super Bowl.
Mike Martz: I could have won three Super Bowls in one season, had I been the head coach. Vermeil is holding me back!
Alabama: Well, three Super Bowls are certainly better than one. If I fire Vermeil, how will you run things?
Mike Martz: First off, I would take the ball out of Major Faulk's hands; he obviously is past his prime?
Alabama (interrupting): Past his prime? He?s the best running back in the league!
Mike Martz: Bah! He?s a hack! He fumbled the ball once this season, and do you remember the Green Bay game, when he dropped a pass?
Alabama: Players fumble the ball all the time, as well as drop passes.
Mike Martz: Well, according to my calculations, which are never incorrect, that fumble and that dropped pass cost us the other two Super Bowls we could have won this season.
Alabama: You don?t say? go on.
Mike Martz: Instead of running the ball roughly 50% of the time, I suggest we put the ball in the hands of our MVP quarterback, and he will throw the ball 80% of the time.
Burt Warner: Amen to that!
Alabama: But some would say that the reason Burt is an MVP is because Major takes pressure of the passing game with a potent ground attack. And wasn?t Burt bagging groceries a couple of years ago?
Mike Martz: Dammit woman, he?s a two time MVP! According to my calculations, which are always correct, he will win the MVP at least ten more times before he retires and twice more after he retires, if he wishes.
Burt Warner: My favorite play is the Hail Mary.
Alabama: Go on, I?m listening.
Mike Martz: Another thing, Time outs and punting on fourth down is so last week. Do you want to be cutting edge, or like everybody else?
Alabama: Cutting edge, of course.
Mike Martz: Than I recommend you persuade Vermeil to retire, and appoint me head coach. If not, I will be appointed head coach of every other team in the league at the same time, and I will be beating you every game this season!
Alabama: Very well, Mike, you have the job.
Burt Warner: Halleluiah!
End of Scene 2
Scene 3: The New England Patriots playing the role of underdog to the heavily favored St Louis Rams.
Major Faulk: Coach, just give me the ball and we can run the clock down and win this game!
Mike Martz: Nonsense! By my calculations, which are always correct, we have a 1245% chance of losing the game if we hand you the ball. That?s why I?m a genius, and you are a lowly jock, Major.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field
Bill Belichick: What on earth is that idiot doing? Why isn?t he running the ball? He?s handing us the game!
The Ram's Sideline
Mike Martz: What?s that, turnover on downs! Hey ref, can?t you see that Belichick is cheating? How can you allow him to have his safeties cover our receivers? It?s just not fair! I?m going to tell the league office what a travesty this was!
The Patriots march down the field
Mike Martz: Ref! Ref! Can?t you see that lineman blocking our linebackers! Can he do that? It?s just not fair! How are we supposed to get sack the quarterback if they keep blocking us?
The Patriots get into field goal range, and kick the game winning points, and win the Super Bowl.
Mike Martz: I can?t believe what I am seeing! Isn?t it illegal to kick a game winning field goal to win the Super Bowl? This was the worst run game I have ever seen! Burt Warner completely lost this game for us. I will have to run him out of town as soon as possible! Mr. Law, Mr. Lawyer Miloy! Would you two be interested in representing me in court?
End of Scene 3
An imitation of Jarry?s The Ubu Plays by Giant Robot
Characters
Mike Martz: would-be coach of the St. Louis Rams
Ma Martz: wife of would-be coach of the St. Louis Rams
Burt Warner: QB for the St. Louis Rams
Major Faulk: RB for the St. Louis Rams
Alabama Fontierri: Owner of the St. Louis Rams
Rich Vermeil: Head Coach of the St. Louis Rams
Bill Belichick: Head Coach of the New England Patriots
Scene 1: The night after the Super Bowl, at the Martz residence
Mike Martz: I?m home! Prepare to greet the Offensive Coordinator of the Super Bowl Champion St Louis Rams!
Ma Martz: Welcome home Mike, how was the game?
Mike Martz: How was the game? You mean you didn?t watch it?
Ma Martz: I watched it, but why pay attention if your husband is only offensive coordinator? Doesn?t quite have the ring that head Coach does, you know?
Mike Martz: Shit, woman! I?m a Super Bowl champion! Show me some respect!
Ma Martz: You?d be due more respect if you were the head coach.
Mike Martz: I?ll repeat it for you? I AM A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION! KNEEL BEFORE MY INFINITE INTELLIGENCE AND WISDOM!
Ma Martz: Mike, both you and I know that you are the smartest, most handsome man alive, but why should Vermeil get all the credit when we both know you are the architect of ?The Greatest Show on Turf?? I mean seriously, did you see him last night? Crying and carrying on like he had achieved something he worked his whole life for. I can?t see what Alabama sees in him.
Mike Martz: What are you suggesting, woman?
Ma Martz: Only that you would be a better coach that that cry-baby.
Mike Martz: That cry-baby got me a Super Bowl ring.
Ma Martz: You?d make a better head coach than him. I mean, what has he ever accomplished? A Super Bowl is nothing compared to being the smartest, most handsome man in the world. And it is only fair that the smartest, most handsome man in the world get credit for being the greatest coach that ever lived?
Mike Martz: I see your point, woman. Let?s see if I can enlist Burt Warner, our MVP quarterback, and together, we can convince Alabama to force that old fool out the door, and then she can name me Head Coach. Meanwhile, make me a sandwich.
Ma Martz: Make your own sandwich; I only cook for head coaches.
End Scene 1
Scene 2: Mike Martz and Burt Warner meet with Alabama Fontierri, who owns the St. Louis Rams. They see Rich Vermeil on the way in.
Rich Vermeil: Why hello Mike, hello Burt, how are you both doing today? Who?s that grey haired gentleman with you two?
Mike Martz (Aloud): That?s Burt?s wife, coach. (Aside): Better than you will be doing in a few minutes.
Burt Warner: God bless you. I?m doing fine coach, how are you today?
Rich Vermeil: Just fine, my boy. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I have a Super Bowl ring on my finger. I think I am going to cry.
Secretary: Alabama will see you now, Mr. Martz and Mr. Warner.
Burt Warner (to secretary): God bless you. (To Martz) Lead the way, Mike.
Alabama: Gentleman, do come in! What can I do for you boys today? Who is that old man with you? He looks like a drunken sailor.
Mike Martz: That?s Burt?s wife.
Burt Warner: God bless you, Alabama.
Mike Martz: Woman, I demand that you fire Coach Vermeil! He?s a crybaby, and God hates crybabies! I heard someone saying the other day that they thought because you employed a crybaby; you too, must be a crybaby.
Alabama: That?s preposterous! You want me to fire Coach Vermeil? He gave you a shot in the NFL, did he not?
Mike Martz: I?m so smart; I would have gotten a job sooner or later.
Alabama: But Coach Vermeil won a Super Bowl.
Mike Martz: I could have won three Super Bowls in one season, had I been the head coach. Vermeil is holding me back!
Alabama: Well, three Super Bowls are certainly better than one. If I fire Vermeil, how will you run things?
Mike Martz: First off, I would take the ball out of Major Faulk's hands; he obviously is past his prime?
Alabama (interrupting): Past his prime? He?s the best running back in the league!
Mike Martz: Bah! He?s a hack! He fumbled the ball once this season, and do you remember the Green Bay game, when he dropped a pass?
Alabama: Players fumble the ball all the time, as well as drop passes.
Mike Martz: Well, according to my calculations, which are never incorrect, that fumble and that dropped pass cost us the other two Super Bowls we could have won this season.
Alabama: You don?t say? go on.
Mike Martz: Instead of running the ball roughly 50% of the time, I suggest we put the ball in the hands of our MVP quarterback, and he will throw the ball 80% of the time.
Burt Warner: Amen to that!
Alabama: But some would say that the reason Burt is an MVP is because Major takes pressure of the passing game with a potent ground attack. And wasn?t Burt bagging groceries a couple of years ago?
Mike Martz: Dammit woman, he?s a two time MVP! According to my calculations, which are always correct, he will win the MVP at least ten more times before he retires and twice more after he retires, if he wishes.
Burt Warner: My favorite play is the Hail Mary.
Alabama: Go on, I?m listening.
Mike Martz: Another thing, Time outs and punting on fourth down is so last week. Do you want to be cutting edge, or like everybody else?
Alabama: Cutting edge, of course.
Mike Martz: Than I recommend you persuade Vermeil to retire, and appoint me head coach. If not, I will be appointed head coach of every other team in the league at the same time, and I will be beating you every game this season!
Alabama: Very well, Mike, you have the job.
Burt Warner: Halleluiah!
End of Scene 2
Scene 3: The New England Patriots playing the role of underdog to the heavily favored St Louis Rams.
Major Faulk: Coach, just give me the ball and we can run the clock down and win this game!
Mike Martz: Nonsense! By my calculations, which are always correct, we have a 1245% chance of losing the game if we hand you the ball. That?s why I?m a genius, and you are a lowly jock, Major.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field
Bill Belichick: What on earth is that idiot doing? Why isn?t he running the ball? He?s handing us the game!
The Ram's Sideline
Mike Martz: What?s that, turnover on downs! Hey ref, can?t you see that Belichick is cheating? How can you allow him to have his safeties cover our receivers? It?s just not fair! I?m going to tell the league office what a travesty this was!
The Patriots march down the field
Mike Martz: Ref! Ref! Can?t you see that lineman blocking our linebackers! Can he do that? It?s just not fair! How are we supposed to get sack the quarterback if they keep blocking us?
The Patriots get into field goal range, and kick the game winning points, and win the Super Bowl.
Mike Martz: I can?t believe what I am seeing! Isn?t it illegal to kick a game winning field goal to win the Super Bowl? This was the worst run game I have ever seen! Burt Warner completely lost this game for us. I will have to run him out of town as soon as possible! Mr. Law, Mr. Lawyer Miloy! Would you two be interested in representing me in court?
End of Scene 3