tak's super self defense thread.

[tak]

i have decided to share my vast knowledge of asskickery with you guys. if you have any questions regarding kicking ass, don't be afraid to ask.

lesson 1: if you are fighting a guy bigger than you. roll up in a little ball and act like you're dead until he leaves. then, once he's gone, prank call a bunch of pizzas to his house.

lesson 2: if you are fighting a girl, be like "oh, i don't fight girls, but my girlfriend will kick your ass! she's right over there!!" and then point behind the girl. when she looks away, kick her in the back and then run away.

[tak]

some more tips.

i like to call this chapter "ass kickery through racism."

if you are fighting a black guy and he's kicking your ass, yell out "help me officer!!" the black guy's fear of police will make him instinctively run away.

if you are getting your ass kicked by a mexican yell out "la migra!!"

if you are fighting an asian, throw a cat at him.

if you are fighting a white person yell out "help me tyrone!!"

[elgigante]

i believe the proper term for the mexicans is la migra es aqui. Makes um run quicler

[tak]

attacking the testicles isn't shameful, it is practical.

[Dredd]

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I am going to try some of those.

Especially the, help me tyrone one, I think it would actually work.

[tak]

hair pulling isn't only manly, it is a proven gracie jiu jitsu technique.

[tak]

your opponent can't fight if he can't use his legs. so if you get to choose your opponent, pick a guy that doesn't have any legs.

[WingTsunCombat]

pretty good shit I coulkd use somw of that

[tak]

mace isn't just for old ladies and cops. your opponent can't fight if he can't see. so if you can, fight a blind guy, or at least a guy with an eyepatch. if you can't, spray him with mace.

[tak]

if you get into a fight with a guy and he kicks your ass, go do a bunch of concentration curls and try again. if he kicks your ass again, go get a bunch of your friends. if he kicks your ass again, go get a car and run him over.

[elgigante]

Tak,


how do i deal with pesky bums who ask for money on the street?

[H]

Tak,


how do i deal with pesky bums who ask for money on the street?

i usually drive by them and throw a half drank soda, or water bottle at them, usually resulting in some pain and dampness.

[Dirty]

Tak,


how do i deal with pesky bums who ask for money on the street?

You could pull a Kippy on em and hit em with your fucking car.

[H]

You could pull a Kippy on em and hit em with your fucking car.

thats what should happen actually. good call.

[WrestlerV]

your opponent can't fight if he can't use his legs. so if you get to choose your opponent, pick a guy that doesn't have any legs.

Brilliant.

[tak]

Tak,


how do i deal with pesky bums who ask for money on the street?

point to a nearby trashcan and yell "look!! a half eaten big mac!!" then when he scurries over there to get some eatin's kick run up behind him and give him a wedgie.

[Dirty]

point to a nearby trashcan and yell "look!! a half eaten big mac!!" then when he scurries over there to get some eatin's kick run up behind him and give him a wedgie.



Fucking Hardcore, I'm not near man enough to grab a bum by the underwear.

[John O'Brien]

Although these seem like effective street techniques, would they work in a more demanding enviroment like war?

[pants]

tak jitsu!
tak jitsu!
tak jitsu!

[tak]

Although these seem like effective street techniques, would they work in a more demanding enviroment like war?

of course they would. if you find your self face to face with some towelheaded terrorist, just yell out "look behind you!!! vishnu has arrived with 72 virgins!!" and then when he turns around, throw a grenade at him.

[Mad Processor]

Lol, funniest thread in a long time, nice one Tak.

[WrestlerV]

Tak, how would you do in a fight against Bruce Lee?

[tak]

Tak, how would you do in a fight against Bruce Lee?

i would win, obviously.

here's another tip:

if you're at a party and you see some guy talking shit to your girlfriend, run home. if she asks you where you went the next day, tell her you went to buy her a present. if she asks for the present, tell her to stop smothering you.

[Ratt]

Tak I have this friend whose dog keeps pwning him. Any advise.

[tak]

Tak I have this friend whose dog keeps pwning him. Any advise.

tell your "friend" to buy a bear. bear's are a lot stronger than dogs. also, after the bear eats your dog, you can teach it to rid a unicycle. a bear riding a unicycle!!! THAT'S CRAZY!!!!

[tak]

the key to ass kicking is a good diet. i suggest you eat a lot of grits and pigs feet. black people eat that stuff all the time and look at how athletic they are. also, if you're going to smoke, smoke kools.

[H]

bahahahhahahhaha. Tak, what would you do if you ran into 5 people. 3 of them have baseball bats, 2 of them are actually gargoyles. the gargoyles eat the 3 people with baseball bats cuz they were hungry. so its actually just 2 gargoyles now. what would YOU do to defend yourself? oh, and the gargoyles are tai-bo experts.

[Oliver Klosov]

Dear tak,

How do you win a fight against crabs? I shaved my pubes, but that doesn't seem to be helping.

thanks,
Scratching in Siberia

[Dirty]

Dear tak,

How do you win a fight against crabs? I shaved my pubes, but that doesn't seem to be helping.

thanks,
Scratching in Siberia


Oh, I asked him this last night on im. He told me to invest in an ice pick, but he might have different advice for you as he takes everything on a case by case basis.

[tak]

bahahahhahahhaha. Tak, what would you do if you ran into 5 people. 3 of them have baseball bats, 2 of them are actually gargoyles. the gargoyles eat the 3 people with baseball bats cuz they were hungry. so its actually just 2 gargoyles now. what would YOU do to defend yourself? oh, and the gargoyles are tai-bo experts.

iwell, i personally carry a sunlight gun for times like this, because as everyone knows, gargoyles turn into stone in the sun. it also works good if you run into a vempire.

[tak]

Dear tak,

How do you win a fight against crabs? I shaved my pubes, but that doesn't seem to be helping.

thanks,
Scratching in Siberia

two words, my friend: steel wool.

[tak]

also, just to let you guys know, dirty is a black belt in takjitsu. sure he never actually took any classes or anything, but he did paypal me $3 so i could buy a 40oz., so if i'm not around you could ask him for answers.

[tak]

here's an ancient takjitsu technique for you knuckleheads. i call it "the skunk."

as everyone knows, when a skunk is getting it's ass kicked by a coyote or a groundhog, the skunk will shit itself so the animal kicking it's ass thinks "man, this guy smells bad!! screw this, i'll go find someone else's ass to kick!"

so the way i figure it, if you're getting your ass kicked, you should probably crap your pants. that way the guy kicking your ass will leave in disgust.

[griffdog]

This is one of the greatest threads I've ever read.

[tak]

today's lesson is titled "avoiding a fight is not cowardice, no matter what my mom says."

sometimes you will encounter someone who is bigger and stronger than you, or maybe they just have a really mean looking staredown. either way, it's best if you avoid fighting them, because you don't want to get your ass kicked. here are some proven techniques to help you on you path to avoidation.

ALWAYS wear glasses. everyone knows that you aren't supposed to hit a guy wearing glasses. it's probably a good idea to constantly remind the guy about to kick your ass "dude, i'm wearing glasses, you can't hit a guy that's wearing glasses."

if there is a kid around tell the guy "hey man, that's my kid over there, i can't fight you in front of my kid!" if the guy asks the kid if you really are his father and the kid says no, whisper to the guy that your son/daughter is retarded.

pretend that you are retarded. or that you are a foreigner and whatever you did to upset him to the point that he wants to kick your ass is due solely to cultural differences.

tell the guy "you know what pal? i'm gonna kick your ass! but first i gotta go take a piss." and then act like you're just going around the corner to take a piss, but once you get around the corner run away.

always carry around a razor scooter, that way you can make a speedy getaway.

[kcb]

I'm a third degree yellow belt under Tak's system and it works wonders. This one guy tried to pick a fight with me the other day and I was like "You want a piece, I'll f'in kill you or whatever" and he said "Shut up or I'll shut you up.." So I got in my fighting stance and yelled "kiahhhh!!!!" while throwing some sand in his face.

[tak]

I'm a third degree yellow belt under Tak's system and it works wonders. This one guy tried to pick a fight with me the other day and I was like "You want a piece, I'll f'in kill you or whatever" and he said "Shut up or I'll shut you up.." So I got in my fighting stance and yelled "kiahhhh!!!!" while throwing some sand in his face.

another good technique to use in a situation like that is to say "oh, i'll shut up alright!!' in a really defiant voice. then you shut up. after a while the guy will leave and then you can talk again, thus pwning his soul.

[Oliver Klosov]

what do you do when faced with superior numbers?

[tak]

what do you do when faced with superior numbers?

tell them "look, you guys are obviously gonna kick my ass, how about i just pay you each $50 and you leave me alone." then tell them that you don't actually have the money on you, but you will gladly mail them some money once you get some. then when they give you their addresses, mail them a kaczynski suprise.

[Oliver Klosov]

tell them "look, you guys are obviously gonna kick my ass, how about i just pay you each $50 and you leave me alone." then tell them that you don't actually have the money on you, but you will gladly mail them some money once you get some. then when they give you their addresses, mail them a kaczynski suprise.

you are indeed wise, master.

what are enrollment costs to your school?

[tak]

you are indeed wise, master.

what are enrollment costs to your school?

just buy me a couple 40's and i'll teach you for like an hour or something. i don't really have any set rates.

[kcb]

another good technique to use in a situation like that is to say "oh, i'll shut up alright!!' in a really defiant voice. then you shut up. after a while the guy will leave and then you can talk again, thus pwning his soul.

Sigh. See, this is why I'm still a yellow belt after 2 years of training. You are so wise.

[pants]

dear tak,

what do i do if i was in prison and people tries to rape me? love from pants

[tak]

dear tak,

what do i do if i was in prison and people tries to rape me? love from pants

there are a couple ways you can go about this. some people say that, the first day you are there, you should start a fight with the biggest guy there, so people will think you're crazy and leave you alone. i say that people who say that are stupid. you're just going to get your ass kicked if you do that.

one thing you could do is find a really big guy and offer to be his bitch. you'd still get raped in the buttbutt, but at least it's only one guy giving it to you. of course, this plan still involves your precious anal cavity being spread to a very uncomfortable size. so here are some better suggestions.

act suicidal. they'll probably put you on suicide watch meaning you will be secluded from the rest of the prisoners.

attack a guard. they'll put you in "the hole." it will suck, but it beats having someone in your hole.

spread a rumor that you have aids. nobody wants aids.

[pants]

there are a couple ways you can go about this. some people say that, the first day you are there, you should start a fight with the biggest guy there, so people will think you're crazy and leave you alone. i say that people who say that are stupid. you're just going to get your ass kicked if you do that.

one thing you could do is find a really big guy and offer to be his bitch. you'd still get raped in the buttbutt, but at least it's only one guy giving it to you. of course, this plan still involves your precious anal cavity being spread to a very uncomfortable size. so here are some better suggestions.

act suicidal. they'll probably put you on suicide watch meaning you will be secluded from the rest of the prisoners.

attack a guard. they'll put you in "the hole." it will suck, but it beats having someone in your hole.

spread a rumor that you have aids. nobody wants aids.
thanks tak! so now i know what do i have to do to not get bum raped in prison! Ive learned a valuable lesson today.

[WrestlerV]

Tak, some little kids beat me up yesterday with a chair. What should I do?

[tak]

Tak, some little kids beat me up yesterday with a chair. What should I do?

kids can be tricky. you could go back there with an even bigger chair than the one they had, but your best bet would porbably be to tell their parents.

[wow]

if you are getting your ass kicked by a mexican yell out "la migra!!"

so that was you that i fought last year?!?!

i knew i recognized that voice.

[wow]

anyways, there's this 85 pound retarted girl who has cerebral palsy and a bad case of v.d. who keeps kicking my ass time after time when we fight....

how the fuck do i beat her? she's getting on my nerves. :mad:

[tak]

anyways, there's this 85 pound retarted girl who has cerebral palsy and a bad case of v.d. who keeps kicking my ass time after time when we fight....

how the fuck do i beat her? she's getting on my nerves. :mad:

well, normally, i would answer that by telling you to toss her a shiny set of keys, she'll be so entertained by them that she won't even realize her ass is being kicked until it is too late. however, in your case, i would suggest you go get our old friend art to kick her ass. tell him she was bad mouthing god.

[wow]

well, normally, i would answer that by telling you to toss her a shiny set of keys, she'll be so entertained by them that she won't even realize her ass is being kicked until it is too late. however, in your case, i would suggest you go get our old friend art to kick her ass. tell him she was bad mouthing god.
god damn, i would have never thought of that. i'm going to spray paint '666' on the back of her wheelchair for added measure.

[Oliver Klosov]

I'm fighting a mounted police officer after work. I didn't want to but that damn Horse he rides on keeps staring at me and is pissing me off. How can I win this fight?

[tak]

I'm fighting a mounted police officer after work. I didn't want to but that damn Horse he rides on keeps staring at me and is pissing me off. How can I win this fight?

the horse is the key to his power. horses are large powerful creature's that can easily kick a man's ass. but there is something most people don't know that can help you out in this situation, cars were originally invented to fight wild horses. it's true, there used to be this gang of wild horses that would go around riding other horses and shooting people and robbing banks and stuff like that. americans were in a constant state of fear until a man by the name of george baldwin selden invented a car and they used the car to run over the horses and do drive-bys of the horses houses. anywho, back to the point of the story, i suggest you run the guy and his horse over with your car.

[WrestlerV]

Tak, help!!!! My dentist called me a idiot, and gave me a route canal. What should I do?

[uberfighter]

best instructional thread eva!

[kidmoe]

who says threads in the training section suck?! not me anymore . . .

[tak]

Tak, help!!!! My dentist called me a idiot, and gave me a route canal. What should I do?

next time he is working on you, bite his finger off. then while he is sitting there in shock, spit his finger back in his face, grab his drill and stab him in the throat.

if you're opposed to murdering your dentist, eat a whole bunch of chili right before you visit him, then crap your pants while he's working on you, then when he starts complaining, you yell out "know who's the idiot?!! dr. dumbass!!"

[Dredd]

You are a mother fucking GENIOUS

[tak]

today i will try something different, i'm going to critique chris leben's training tips. as we all know, leben is a fatherless bastard that can't even win a reality show, where as i am an ass kicking machine.
1. I like to split up my workouts throughout the day. Drill and work cardio in the morning, and then do hard rounds at night.
this is just stupid. plain retarded-ass stupid. if you workout in the morning, where's your energy gonna be when you need to kick ass in the middle of the day? i like to start the day of by playing river city ransom for an hour or so, while pretending i am the guy in the game, it gets me pumped up and ready for a day full of putting a hurtin on mark ass bustas.
2. Switch to light beer.
why don't you just wear a dress while you're at it? what most people don't realize, kicking ass is a lot more than just beating people up, kicking ass is a lifestyle. i mean, just look at that jackie chan movie "legend of the drunken master" being drunk is a vital part of ass kicking and light beer just isn't going to cut it.
3. Eat lots of vegetables. Don't eat dairy products. Nuts are good. hahahahahahahaha, he said "nuts are good." hahahaha, oh man. seriously though, cheese is a dairy product and everyone know cheese is a vital ingredent in nachos. nachos are good, so once again, chris is wrong.
4. Don't start drinking beer until after noon. i actually sorta agree with this, simply because you should never wake up before noon, rest is vital to being totally bad ass like me. but you should definitely start drinking as soon as you wake up. personally, i like to drink a 40oz. or two while i play river city ransom, not only does it make the game more fun, it also makes me more charming.
5. Plyometric exercises are an excellent way to get into fighting shape. excellent, chris? i believe the word you are looking for is "gay."
6. Don't have sex at least a week before your fight. Aw who am I kidding... you never know when you're going to get into a fight, so basically chris is saying you should never have sex. what a loser!!
7. Try to drink at least a gallon of water a day.
why drink water when you can drink chocalate milk?
8. Line your mouthpiece with chew. This will help it stay in better, and it'll give you that extra boost of energy during your fight. I prefer Copenhagen. real men don't use mouthpieces, but if you have to be a little girl and use one, i suggest you keep it in place with superglue.
9. Before your fight, shave your entire body and cover yourself with lotion. This will help you slip out of submissions easier. shave your body and lotion up so you can roll around with another dude? no thanks.
10. Don't shower the day before your fight. On second thought, make it 3 days. Don't brush your teeth, either. what type of metrosexual showers and brushes his teeth?



so as you can see, me > chris leben

[MyAssIsFartsy]

This thread is full of many chuckles.

Good job, Jack Han-, I mean, Tak.

[Bishop]

is there a money back guarantee to your product?

[Oliver Klosov]

Dear tak,

Today is april fool's day, and many annoying fucks, both in the office and on the intraweb are trying stupid jokes how do I combat this, or simply defeat them?

[tak]

is there a money back guarantee to your product?

of course not.

[tak]

Dear tak,

Today is april fool's day, and many annoying fucks, both in the office and on the intraweb are trying stupid jokes how do I combat this, or simply defeat them?


hm. i guess the day has passed, so i am late in answering, but i suggest for next year, you kill one of your co-workers. act like you're doing it as an april fool's joke, then act really suprised when everyone figures out that he is really dead. from then on everyone will think twice before participating in tom foolery.

[WrestlerV]

Tak, JSC called me fat. What do I do?

[tak]

Tak, JSC called me fat. What do I do?

call him gay, then neg rep him.

[Bishop]

of course not.
so what you're telling me is that this product of yours is "guarantee" success?

time for me to "ride the snake"
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/pics/95ttango1.jpg

[Giant Robot]

tak:

I am filled with a world full of fucking idiots, and they all post here... I am administered with upholding foum rules, but instead I want to shoot everyone I see. What do I do?

[Giant Robot]

and when do you want me to archive this thread?

[tak]

so what you're telling me is that this product of yours is "guarantee" success?

time for me to "ride the snake"
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/pics/95ttango1.jpg

yes, RIDE THE SNAKE

[tak]

tak:

I am filled with a world full of fucking idiots, and they all post here... I am administered with upholding foum rules, but instead I want to shoot everyone I see. What do I do?

ban jsc .

[pants]

dear tak, i have another question for you. How to i fend off multiple attackers and what takjitsu techniques would be useful while i am doing so? love from pants.

[Pro Killer]

LMFAO!!!!!
I withdraw my statement about wanting to get away from Tak, Quality Posting!!

[tak]

dear tak, i have another question for you. How to i fend off multiple attackers and what takjitsu techniques would be useful while i am doing so? love from pants.

there is a takjitsu techinque designed specifically for multiple opponents. i call it "tak's terrifying tornado punch." you stick both of your arms out and then spin in a circle, thus hitting opponents in every direction. for a visual aid, play streetfighter 2 as zangief and watch what he does.

[pants]

there is a takjitsu techinque designed specifically for multiple opponents. i call it "tak's terrifying tornado punch." you stick both of your arms out and then spin in a circle, thus hitting opponents in every direction. for a visual aid, play streetfighter 2 as zangief and watch what he does.
yes! thankyou, next time when i am fighting multiple opponents I won't be scared anymore! thanks to takjitsu, now I can watch my multiple opponents run in fear as i shout and perform "TAK'S TERRIFYING TORNADO PUNCH!!".

[MyAssIsFartsy]

Dear Tak, there's this poster, his name's Tak, and although he's occasionally funny, he mostly just sucks really, really bad. What can I do to make him suck less?


p.s. Ghostwipe already sucks more than Tak, so please take this into consideration when answering. Thank you.

[tak]

Dear Tak, there's this poster, his name's Tak, and although he's occasionally funny, he mostly just sucks really, really bad. What can I do to make him suck less?


p.s. Ghostwipe already sucks more than Tak, so please take this into consideration when answering. Thank you.

you should probably work on your posting so that tak has even the slightest idea who you are, then he might listen to you when you tell him to stop sucking.

[MyAssIsFartsy]

you should probably work on your posting so that tak has even the slightest idea who you are, then he might listen to you when you tell him to stop sucking.

Tak,

Well, I'm just going to get busier starting this week, so I'll be posting less, not more. Fiddlesticks. The good news is, nobody else cares, so the pressure is off.

In the meantime, let me just say that I'll continue to brew up new ways of attemping to become a wittier and more interesting poster...

*hitler* (stupid fucking smiley icon)

[Ratt]

I'm scared os spiders what's the best way to kill them without actually touching them?

[kidmoe]

Okay, I been away a little while and I just read this. I thought this was worth bumping so others could share the joy of basking in it's awesomeness.
also . . .

Tak,

Any advise for passing the guard?

[tak]

Okay, I been away a little while and I just read this. I thought this was worth bumping so others could share the joy of basking in it's awesomeness.
also . . .

Tak,

Any advise for passing the guard?

a good way to pass the guard is to tell the other guy "dude, you have your legs wrapped around another guy!! you're gay!!!!!" he'll be so embarassed that he'll instinctively let you pass.

[tak]

I'm scared os spiders what's the best way to kill them without actually touching them?

hm. i guess you could throw stuff at them?

what i usually do is run and tell my mom that there's a spider and it's scaring me, then she comes in and takes care of it. sometimes she even gives me chocolate milk if i don't pee myself. "big boys get chocolate milk" that's what my mom always says, in fact, she has it tattooed on her upper thigh....don't ask me how i know.

[Dredd]

Dear Tak,

Say your currently having relations with a girl. But she has a boyfriend.

What do you do if he shows up at the door (quite possibly with friends) and is furious your there.

Your greatest fan - Dredd

[tak]

Dear Tak,

Say your currently having relations with a girl. But she has a boyfriend.

What do you do if he shows up at the door (quite possibly with friends) and is furious your there.

Your greatest fan - Dredd

act like you're really appalled, punch her in the face and yell "i can't believe you'd cheat on your boyfriend!! you dirty whore!!" then kinda smile and nod at the guy and say "man, can you believe this slut?! i'm disgusted that she would do something like that to you.....oh crap, i just remembered i have to go pick my mom of from the free clinic!!" and walk out of the room.

[MyAssIsFartsy]

Dear Tak,


I'm gay. Thank you.



--Gaywipe

[Dredd]

act like you're really appalled, punch her in the face and yell "i can't believe you'd cheat on your boyfriend!! you dirty whore!!" then kinda smile and nod at the guy and say "man, can you believe this slut?! i'm disgusted that she would do something like that to you.....oh crap, i just remembered i have to go pick my mom of from the free clinic!!" and walk out of the room.

I will use that if the time comes.

[elgigante]

tak

there are a group of mexicans hanging around in my front yard. what is the best way to get these individuals to leave my property and avoid getting hurt?

[elgigante]

and also what the fuck is taking so long for your instructional DVD to arrive? I sent the money order to the po box like the tv ad said and i havent seen shit for 6 weeks almost :mad:

[dy-no-mite3000]

it maaaay be time to archieve this as part 1.

[Oliver Klosov]

tak

there are a group of mexicans hanging around in my front yard. what is the best way to get these individuals to leave my property and avoid getting hurt?


Are they actually doing yard work or just loitering?

[Johnny Toetags]

and also what the fuck is taking so long for your instructional DVD to arrive? I sent the money order to the po box like the tv ad said and i havent seen shit for 6 weeks almost :mad:


TTT

[tak]

tak

there are a group of mexicans hanging around in my front yard. what is the best way to get these individuals to leave my property and avoid getting hurt?

a good idea would be to set up a pinata in you neighbors yard, they'll rush towards it like moths to a light bulb.

as far as the dvd, just keep waiting. also, now would probably be a good time to point out that tak is not responsible for dvds that never get delivered and there are no refunds.

[bakedogg]

a good idea would be to set up a pinata in you neighbors yard, they'll rush towards it like moths to a light bulb.

.
the best tactic i have ever seen to rid a yard full of unwanted mexicans has got to be the ol' truck for sale gag. find a nearby truck, mid 80's if at all possible. put a for sale sign on it, i promise with in 5 mintues of you walking away from the truck they will all be over to it, each one kicking a different tire, or looking at the front end from different angles. its priceless.

[tak]

the best tactic i have ever seen to rid a yard full of unwanted mexicans has got to be the ol' truck for sale gag. find a nearby truck, mid 80's if at all possible. put a for sale sign on it, i promise with in 5 mintues of you walking away from the truck they will all be over to it, each one kicking a different tire, or looking at the front end from different angles. its priceless.

congrats, that post right there has earned you a blue belt in takjitsu. now go make me some soup and make it snappy.

[KD=KO]

Tak -

My office is currently being held up by an armed assailant, and the phone lines have been cut off. Since I cannot call for help, how should I go about defending myself in the best possible manner? Great...he see's me typing.


Send word to my mother.

[tak]

Tak -

My office is currently being held up by an armed assailant, and the phone lines have been cut off. Since I cannot call for help, how should I go about defending myself in the best possible manner? Great...he see's me typing.


Send word to my mother.

hm, apparently it's too late for our good friend kd=ko, but if anyone else ever finds themselve in this situation, my advice is to befriend the armed assailant. a good way to do this is to call him over and be like "hey man, you're a hero, you represent the little guy that's not gonna take any more crap!!" because armed assailants, like every one else, like to be complimented. then say something like "hey man, i overheard jan and steve over there saying something about sneaking up behind you and disarming you. just thought you should now that." whether or not jan and steve actually said anything is besides the point, snitching on them will help you gain his trust and greatly increase the odds of him letting you live.

[bakedogg]

Tak -

My office is currently being held up by an armed assailant, and the phone lines have been cut off. Since I cannot call for help, how should I go about defending myself in the best possible manner? Great...he see's me typing.


Send word to my mother.
do any of them not have any arms?

Tak- tomato bisque or cream of broccoli?

[tak]

do any of them not have any arms?

Tak- tomato bisque or cream of broccoli?

tomato bisque, i know what you put in the cream of brocoli.




on second thought, cream of broccoli.

[Johnny Toetags]

Tak.



Whilst walking the streets of Paris, I came across an odd fellow with a wild look in his eye, drops of drool on his lips and several large baguettes neatly stuffed down his pants.


He said his name was Ha-gli?re. I'm not sure if that's the correct pronounciation - but still. Anyways he, rather violently, wanted to buy me lunch.


What should I have done, as opposed to curling up in a ball and going to my happy place?

[bakedogg]

you should have offered him no less than 2, no more than 5 small children. preferably between the ages of 5 and 7, all male, Indonesian if at all possible. if Indonesian children were not available, Slovakian is just as good.

[tak]

Tak.



Whilst walking the streets of Paris, I came across an odd fellow with a wild look in his eye, drops of drool on his lips and several large baguettes neatly stuffed down his pants.


He said his name was Ha-gli?re. I'm not sure if that's the correct pronounciation - but still. Anyways he, rather violently, wanted to buy me lunch.


What should I have done, as opposed to curling up in a ball and going to my happy place?

curling up and going to your happy place is the best thing to do with hagler. i mean sure, you could try and fight him off, but he's got superhuman strength and he enjoys a tussle, so either way you're going to end up having to go to your happy place.

[Johnny Toetags]

he... did things.



oh god... t...the things he did...

[dy-no-mite3000]

Tak while in France, and you pass by a street proforming Robot. And you imitate him to prove you are a better robot and he pushes you while saying "Tu C'est no de Robo!(you are not a real robot!)" and is looking to throw down how should one defend himself??

[Oliver Klosov]

leave him be - he's just trying to feed his robot family.

[tak]

Tak while in France, and you pass by a street proforming Robot. And you imitate him to prove you are a better robot and he pushes you while saying "Tu C'est no de Robo!(you are not a real robot!)" and is looking to throw down how should one defend himself??

well he's french, right? throw a bar of soap at him and watch him run away.*






*i'm sorry hagler, that was wrong of me to say.

[Skean]

TTT for Fenix.

[Snacks]

....This thread completes me.

[pants]

yay this thread is back!
TAK!
TAK!
TAK!

[Snacks]

I have a new question.

How would you fight a mirrored version of yourself?

[Marshal G.K. Zhukov]

I thought this forum was serious posting only, lolz.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

i believe the proper term for the mexicans is la migra es aqui. Makes um run quicler

*esta aqui

[Sir Gibbs]

I have a new question.

How would you fight a mirrored version of yourself?

Look up and right, then throw a huge right hand haymaker. Gets them everytime.